apologies for the explicit nature of this post.
a text message.
old friends. good friends. in town. wanting to go to "the i-beam."
ugh. the gay bar. known for sleazy clientele, sleazy evenings.
but i obliged.
i've been single for 6 months.
"i want to find myself." i said back then.
but here i am, just.......lonely.
just wanting someone to be with. someone to care for.
and it's not sleazy, not contrived or immoral.
just someone to talk to, without ulterior motives. someone to care for, to watch movies with. to cook dinners with.
after a quick scan of the bar, only one fellow caught my eye.
he was there, in his tan sweater, looking debonaire with a quiet confidence.
completely attractive. perhaps a guitar player?
definitely the artistic, creative type.
completely attractive.
completely talking with someone else.
dissapointing, yes.
but the two of us locked eyes. my heart raced as he smiled.
but continued talking.
"let's go dancing" my group said.
let me divorce myself from accepted stereotypes.
i enjoy dancing. i enjoy letting myself go. being free. just....feeling the music go through me.
i danced. i enjoyed it. i let loose. i was a fool!
and then i noticed him.
tan sweater. he was watching from the sidelines. and the guy he was talking to clearly followed him into the room and was trying to continue conversation.
was i drunk, or was he staring at me?
was i drunk, or was my heart racing?
he was there, on the sidelines. he followed me.....?
i tried to maintain sporadic eye contact, but the lights and shadows were too much.
the music, louder and louder.
i look over my shoulder, we made eye contact.
again, my heart races.
and i look back.
and he's gone.
gone.
he was there for about an hour. and then he and the guy he was talking with were gone.
did they fall into the sleazy category?
in any event, the endless romance i was building in my mind just fell into pieces.
instead of chatting for hours, instead of cooking meals, instead of getting to know him,
i left alone.
completely alone.
buzzkill.
where will he be tomorrow?
