rarely am i bewitched so fully by a song.
outside the cars are beeping out a song just in your honour.
and though they do not know it,
all mankind are now your brothers.
and thus the cathedral had spoken, wishing well to all our sinners.
and with a sigh grew silent.
sigh.
now that things have calmed down:
i have my apartment in order,
i am getting used to the job,
i am knowing the area that i live in,
i am reading those books i have longed to read for so long,
i am eating healthy,
i am exercising regularly.
i can't see an end to it.
don't get me wrong, i enjoy it here.......
but i can't help but be discouraged by how....ordinary it all is.
how ordinary i feel.
i get up, i go to work, i eat, i do something menial, i sleep.
day in, day out.
as long as i shall live.
my life comes in packets. breakfast, coffee break, lunch, 4 hour afternoon of work, evening diet coke, evening run, etc. i can change one slightly.
excuse me, excitement, please come visit me during the week like you used to.
i am 3 weeks into the "rest of my life" phase and all i can see is planning vacations and time off and looking forward to the weekends. the weekends never last long enough.
how ordinary and suburban it all is.
oh my god, oh my god, is this it?
is this really it?
but perhaps this job, area, phase are just transitional. perhaps this is all quite more temporary than i think.
i can't help but see myself, old, aged, gray, chatting with an old friend about the good 'ol days and saying, quite simply "yeah, and then i got that job and haven't really been able to do anything crazy for a while"
work is full of tired faces. faces that have been working too long, too hard, and faces that didn't enjoy their weekends as much as they should have.
faces not full of life, imagination.
faces full of business.
is this the creative outlet i look for,
is this a group of too-worn professionals,
or, my biggest fear...
if this a group of overworked young people that never had the balls to switch over to what they really wanted?
is this a time of decisive decision?
but the unknown is so....unknown.
having nothing below my feet is frightening.
