"independence"
i've come to the conclusion that the term is a lot scarier than i originally imagined.
whenever i would lament about an action, my dad would always say, simply, in his usual fatherly-advice tone, "hindsight is 20/20." although it gave me no comfort, i knew he was right.
perhaps it was this way of childhood that set-up my incessant "20/20 hindsight" view of life.
for instance, growing up, i loathed my hometown, my homestate. i let my mom know that as soon as i was of age, i was outta there! it was only after i left for an extended period that i began to long for the comforts of home. the safety net of being home. and i began to appreciate the goodness of my hometown, my homestate. It is a place full of memories and roots in a world that is so full of new places. After traveling for so long, it was those hometown nooks, crannies, avenues, and alleys that held special memories that I began to appreciate, and longed to be in, to inhabit.
Even exploring with someone else meant a shared experience. perhaps i would call years later and start out with "remember that time that we..."
on the other hand..."living in the past"
...but i think this is different. appreciating the past, with an eye for the future. remembering roots and springing from them to someplace/somewhere new.
and as i make my transition to independence, i have good days and bad days.
but am i really ready to be a big boy?
pay my own bills, be responsible for all of my debt? buy myself a car? buy myself a house? find myself a someone and live happily ever after?
this one threw me for a loop. moving across the country.
it's so.....permament.
this is both good and bad.
in the good column, i get to lead my own life, be my own man, start fresh, buy my own things, not to mention being employed in an ultra-unemployment time, i could write a million more things on this list.
but in the....difficult column, i am indeed independent and alone. i realize that this is somewhat temporary, but i need to look forward and become the brian i am meant to be. i need to look past my grievances and hold the now close.
i suppose that my heart is a little sad.
i love my friends, i love getting coffee, chatting, brief encounters,
they are my context.
and i have no context here.
i am.....new.
it's so weird having your entire life a phone call away.
and in a land that holds the smartest people in the land, it's hard to hold my own being so insecure and newly hatched. recent banter with work people held the discussion of where we all would want to live, to which i chime in "i don't think i could ever live south of the mason-dixon" to which one of them said something along the lines of "i agree, but it would be so freeing because it seems like they don't really worry so much about self-reflection." although generalized, it got my brain a-churning.
it brought to mind two lives:
southerner:
sitting on the porch, plucking at a banjo with 3-4 best friends around, singing, drinking, laughing.
new englander:
sitting at a windowside table, late evening out, quiet lighting beside the book while reading and writing a little.
but then my thought process implodes on itself. who actually does that shit? aren't there drunks in new england? aren't there intellectuals in the south?
i hate generalizations, yet i find myself relying on them to form a majority of my thoughts and conversation.
i guess i'm just doing a little soul searching.
the who-am-i who-do-i-want-to-be type.
so i guess my goal is to know what to appreciate when it happens, instead of appreciating it.....later.
in other news, my family visited me!
it turned my mind upside down, and brought the comforts of home to my new location.
i'm still deciding if this will make living out here easier, or harder.
stay tuned.
i loved being with them. too much.
i need to make a beeline for the midwest. stat!
i'm off to watch a favorite: benjamin button while having a glass of wine. and self-reflect while drinking. happy medium?
