sitting at my work desk, listening to my customary radio station,
"and now we're going to plan an oldie..."
and as the piano-heavy beginning goes through my earphones, my brain sparked.
it wasn't all that long ago, but it was ages ago.
it was ages ago that you sent me that message, called me.
it wasn't that long ago that we talked. for hours, for days.
it wasn't that long ago that i was being softly pushed over by the sound of your voice.
you relied on me, appreciated my advice, and i just loved talking to you, i loved being your support through that rough time.
i looked forward to that every day. it was my drug.
"i found a great new band, they're called 'onerepublic'"
now, this was before anyone had even heard of onerepublic, before their album, before 'apologize' even had 10,000 listens on myspace. i listened, i loved. I loved that it reminded me of you, it brought me back to our conversations.
you seemed to have such a solid grasp on your emotions, and wouldn't hesitate to make me feel so unbelievably special.
i continued listening, and as i was listening one afternoon, you called. we talked midday just because you felt like chatting. nothing pressing, nothing wild- just wanted to say hello. i don't know why i appreciated that so much, but i did. and i don't know why that stands out so much in my memory of that time, but it does.
it was so good to finally see you at that conference we were both looking forward to- so good to finally hug you and talk in person, and be together.
but it was too bad that as i was leaving, i could feel that this was the end. after finally being together, this was somehow the end. i could feel your disconnect. i knew it was there. that was how it started.
and you didn't call back.
and then we didn't talk so much.
and before i know it, i'm feeling stupid for not realizing earlier that i was no longer who you were talking to, who you were confiding in. i wasn't so special anymore.
and after dead-end calls and text messages, i had no where to turn to.
so i began the painful process of forgetting, of covering up and putting the walls back up. but everytime that song played, a few bricks fell out of those walls.
and i will say that i never appreciated you referring to our friendship as you "dealing with" me when talking with mutual friends. never have, never will.
and if i saw you today, i would just want to say, plainly, "you're an ass." but i know that i would look in those eyes of yours and long for nothing more than that short time that things were....wonderful.
i hate that it's so ironic and oddly out of some lifetime movie, but...it really is too late to apologize.
and after 2ish years, i really don't care.
but you're still an ass.
